Lockinglips. Making out. Smooching. Kissing. It sounds so pleasant and easy,yet do a little research and you’ll soon discover that while everyonemay be doing it, few are doing it well. For your edification, I haverounded up the different varieties of bad kissers and broken them downby the traits they share with members of the animal kingdom:
Iguana: Characterized by cool, dry lips, and a tiny pink tongue,Lizard Lips is about as arousing as, well, a small reptile crawlingaround your mouth. One victim noted, “He’d dart his tongue in and outat a million flicks per second. Kissing is supposed to get you hot, notgive you calluses.”
There is more to kissing than just shoving your tongue in and letting it lay there.
The Excitable Puppy: I don’t know who istelling these boys that there’s nothing hotter than a mid-makeouttongue bath, but I heard from a lot of sopping sisters. “He licked fromforehead to nose to chin and back again,” is how one woman describedher first kiss. “Like the way my 80-pound Labrador licks my face. Eventhough it was my first makeout sesh, I knew my companion was cursedwith bad skills.”
The Rattlesnake: You know the scenario. . . he’s cute, you’retipsy and so you lean in lay one on him and, BAM! His tongue is halfwaydown your throat, pulsing like a piston. “The tongue should flicklightly—not thrust like a video on BET,” instructs Victoria, afilmmaker who knows her way around a liplock.
The Tasmanian Devil: I was on the fence about one guy I wasdating until we had our first makeout. His kiss was like being set uponby a team of angry ferrets. A sensuous bite on the neck can be hot, buta series of sharp nips to the jawline, decidedly less so.
The Venus Flytrap: “It was like his neck was on a hinge,” Sarahrelays over cocktails. “This gave him the ability to open his mouthabout six inches.” I dated one of these too—his mouth would open sowide that he’d cover my mouth and nose, making it impossible to breath.And yes, while I realize the Venus Flytrap is not technically ananimal, it eats bugs and that’s good enough for me.
The Skunk: The breath of death was listed as a kiss-killer bymost people surveyed. “In my mind I said let me give you the number ofmy gastroenterologist, or at least a mint!” David shared via email. Inreality he said nothing to the offender—he simply never called heragain. “I’m a very polite person,” he explained.
The Possum: As you should know, there is more to kissing thanjust shoving your tongue in and letting it lay there. “The unfurling ofthe tongue, and then not moving it . . . ” Sarah shudders, toohorrified to go on. “Too much tongue is the number one component of abad kiss,” she continues. “When it fills your mouth and you feel likesome cheap bologna sandwich has been stuffed in there—that is theultimate bummer.”
Kangal Fish: Used in exotic pedicures to nibble away the deadskin on your feet and hands, the KF-style smooch is also quitecleansing. “I had a woman do this odd thing where she ran the tip ofher tongue along the face of my teeth, as if she was trying to cleanthem,” shares David, obviously on a roll. Sarah has also experiencedthis, and was neither amused nor aroused. “It reminded me of thosecheesy Pearl Drops toothpaste commercials from the ’70s.”
Heed the warnings on the video, and watch at your own risk!!!!
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1. | The Ultimate Orgy – A parody of "The Ultimate Showdown" ... but in THIS version, the combatants make love, not war.Contains loads of hot, x-rated sex. You have been warned. If you can watch it al |